Publicity in Exchange for Donations - The Etiquette of Charitable Giving

As the holidays approach, we Canadians will be confronted with many opportunities to give - that is after all what the season is all about - despite its more prevalent consumer aspect already taking shape in Christmas displays at a mall near you. Perhaps we will show some kindness to a homeless person who we're usually to busy to see. Maybe we'll drop off some gifts at a toy drive or volunteer at a food bank. Or, if we have the means, we might make a $10,000 donation to a local radio station's fundraising marathon.

It could be said that charity - of the financial or symbolic kind - is the embodiment of etiquette - a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. In fact, it's difficult to find fault with the actual giving of oneself, whether that takes the form of a cheque or a gift of time. And yet, the whole notion of philanthropy is fraught with etiquette landmines. Once someone has donated to your cause, how long do you wait before asking again? Is it appropriate to ask colleagues to buy raffle tickets or chocolate bars to help raise money for their kids school, ballet group or hockey team? Do people have the right to demand things like building naming rights in exchange for gifts of money?

Of all the questions surrounding charity etiquette and ethics, I find this last one the most troubling. My personal belief is that all charity should be anonymous and while I won't go so far as to say that charity with publicity is no longer charity, I do wonder about the motivation behind it. I believe this is also a tenet of some of the world's religions, although many people who participate actively in these organizations don't seem to subscribe to it.

I'm not suggesting that philanthropy has to go undercover and consist of shadowy figures passing envelopes in dark alleys. I'm just saying that, it seems more in line with the spirit of giving if there is no expectation that anyone, short of the benefactor, will ever find out that you have given a donation, or the specific details of said donation. I still occasionally hear about anonymous benefactors making large bequests but the notion seems to have fallen away from our culture. Here in Toronto, if I walk on University Avenue from Queen to Bloor, I see many buildings - mostly hospitals and cultural institutions - emblazoned with the names of the donors who financed their construction. I suppose if a hospital needs a new cancer wing, then a gift with naming rights attached is better than no gift at all. And while I'm quite positive that the people whose names are on these buildings feel passionately about the cause and had the best of intentions, something seems off about the lengths they went to in ensuring that everyone in town would know what they did.

Many unsung heroes engage in simple acts of charity every day - showing compassion to a stranger, giving an employee time off with pay if they're going through a hard time, loaning money to a friend with no strings attached. No news release will be issued to celebrate these acts but, in terms of what makes us a civilized society, they are no less important than large cheques presented at gala affairs amid much fanfare and publicity.

Clearly, I have a strong opinion on this topic but I'd love to hear your thoughts, especially if you disagree.

How to Screw Up A Vaccination Campaign in 12 Easy Steps

After months of conjecture and baffling discourse, H1N1 panic has gripped the North American population. And our governments have started rolling out an official innoculation campaign. To say that this campaign, and the clinics that kickstarted it, got off to a bumpy start is a gross understatement. Unmitigated disaster would be a more appropriate way to describe the chaos that characterized the first few days of Toronto's vaccination efforts, brought to you by the good people at Toronto Public Health. Note: I'm referring here to the management who organized the clinics, not the nurses and security guards who have been run off their feet and by all accounts, remained cheerful in the face of adversity.

As a PR agency, we produce an average of ten to twelve events per year. These range from intimate dinners for 20 to public events where we expect hundreds. Although every event is unique, the steps involved in pulling off a seemingly flawless event (there's no such thing as a truly flawless one) are the same and involve a lot of people working behind the scenes against a detailed critical path to ensure success. And, although granted, we're not trying to vaccinate a paranoid public, we face our share of setbacks - caterers who lose our paperwork, hotels which double-book our rooms, guest speakers who cancel at the last minute...well you get the idea. That's what contingency planning is for.

In observing how Toronto Public Health has executed the H1N1 vaccination campaign, it appears that management threw out, or decided to ignore, the most basic principles of event planning. If you're interested in organizing a disastrous event, following this twelve-step process will put you on the path to catastrophe.

1. Take your time - Even if you are briefed about the need for a potential event eight months ahead of time, make sure you don't do anything until a week or two before event day. That's just wasted time. If possible, right smack in the middle of the critical period when you need to confirm dates and product availabilities, go on strike for oh, six or seven weeks. During this time, make it illegal for anyone to work on the project.

2. Broaden your guest list - Don't make a list of your preferred guests. Rather, invite everyone on the planet. Take out a series of full-page advertisements in local newspapers to make sure that everyone knows they're invited to attend. For good measure, throw in some warnings about the dire consequences of not showing up.

3. Order limited quantities of everything - Even though you've done your best to ensure everyone in town will attend your event, make the assumption the vast majority will not show up. Order only enough product for a fraction of your guests. Same goes for things that will make the event go smoothly - chairs, pens, clipboards and food. If anyone brings up the words "contingency planning" remove them from the committee.

4. Confirm nothing in advance - You had one phone call months ago with your vaccine supplier and they said you would get a million doses. Now that your event is upon you, there's no need to call and double-check that it's still a go. People always do what they say they're going to do right?

5. Don't hire professionals - Sure, you work in a city with countless experienced event planners but you don't need to hire one of those people to help you. I mean, how hard can it be to organize a few thousand pregnant women, sickly citizens and fractious, bored toddlers.

6. Take the road less travelled - Sit down as a group and think about all the ways you could simplify your campaign roll-out. Ask yourself questions like: Is there any place in our society where large groups of children congregate during the day? or, If only there was a qualified health professional who pregnant women saw on a monthly basis. Decide that there's no such thing and the only way is for you to set up your own clinics.

8. Deliver mixed messages - At the start of your event, divide event staff into ten even groups. Give each group a completely different set of answers to key questions. For example: tell some nurses that kids five and under are eligible for the vaccination and tell others that it's only kids six months to four. Sit back and watch as the hilarity ensues.

9. Don't put any kind of system in place - Despite what centuries of history have taught us about what happens when you get large groups of people together, assume that only those who are eligible will show up, they will self-organize, form an orderly line, and not attempt to hold places in line for other family members. Ignore even the most rudimentary methods of crowd control - a roll of drink tickets or a series of staunchons. You won't need them.

10. Trim your guest list at the last minute - Two days before your event, decide that 90 per cent of the people you have invited are no longer welcome. Make no apologies and offer no assurances about when they will be reinvited.

11. Make sure it's convenient - When planning the event, think about what would be the most convenient time and place for you to hold it. Base this decision on things like the hours you normally like to work, any plans you might have for the evening. Resist the urge to consider things like the convenience of your guests. We don't want to give them too much control.

12. Deny, deny, deny - When the angry mob turns on you, deny that your complete inability to plan had anything to do with the disaster. Wherever possible, blame your suppliers, staff, and other stakeholders.

Houseguest etiquette - Ten tips that will get you invited back

When I was ten, my family emigrated from Scotland to Canada. Both of my parents had large extended families and we were the only people any of them knew who lived in the "new world". For the first ten years of our time here, our summers were chock-a-block with family - close and distant - who thought it was just grand that they now had a free place to stay in Canada. The letters from relatives would start coming in the spring - one-page missives that started off asking after our wellbeing and would finish with a line or two about how they were planning a trip here in July and would it be okay if they visited us for a few days. Translation: they and their offspring intended to take over our home for three weeks, during which time, we would be obligated to ferry them to Niagara Falls, the CN Tower and other tourist traps. Some summers would see us hosting three different families.

My parents were too polite to refuse and while they enjoyed catching up with close family members, they both worked hard and it was hard for them to spend their entire hard-earned vacations waiting on others when all they wanted to do was relax. I made the decision then and there that I would never be taken advantage of by a houseguest and, either by circumstance or design, I have been successful. I am not averse to guests but it's possible I give off a vibe that suggests I prefer their visits to be brief.

If you would like to enjoy someone's hospitality, follow these tips for houseguest etiquette and you'll be guaranteed a second invite.

1. Ask, don't tell - Never take for granted that you are welcome in someone's home at the time of your choosing. If you're interested in staying with someone, or using their property, you need to request their permission. Your current relationship with the potential hosts will dictate the level of formality required for the request but you do need to ask if it's convenient. Announcing that you will be there next Friday to stay for the weekend is simply not appropriate.

2. Eliminate surprises - Under no circumstances should you show up unannounced! Your hosts might be delighted to see you but your presence in their home is still a disruption to their routine and they deserve the opportunity to plan for it ahead of time. Same goes for your entourage - whether it's your darling children, harmless pooch or sweet-as-pie girlfriend - don't bring another person unless you clear it with your hosts.

3. Share your itinerary - and stick to it. Don't force your hosts to go into a corner to whisper about when you're going to leave. Tell them. Let people know when you'll be arriving and when you plan to leave so they can reorganize their schedule. There's nothing worse than a houseguest who arrives with the words, "I'm not sure when we'll be going. Let's take it day-by-day and see how it goes..." Even if you will not be expecting them to entertain you, they want to know when their house will be their own again.

4. Get your hands dirty - This is not a hotel. You are staying with people who undoubtedly have busy lives and having you there should not add to their workload significantly. When you arrive, inquire about the routine for cleaning up, putting out the garbage, grocery shopping, etc. and offer to pitch in. Always offer to help with meal preparation and, if you have any culinary skills at all, make a few meals.

5. Contribute financially - This summer, we had guests who stayed for two nights. When they arrived, the first thing they did was unload a cooler from their trunk which contained a variety of snacks picked up on the way. Hallelujah! Nobody likes a mooch and if you stay in someone's home for more than two days and don't offer to help out with the expenses, that's what you are. You don't need to write a cheque for thousands of dollars but you need to be aware that an extra mouth to feed costs money. If possible, arrive with gifts of wine or food, offer to purchase groceries, take your hosts for dinner or simply give them some money to help pay for expenses while you're there.

6. Be invisible - When you depart, there should be no evidence of your stay, save perhaps from the pleasant scent of some flowers or a bottle of wine chilling in the fridge. Unpleasant reminders of your visit at any point in its duration - hairs in the sink, towels on the floor, dirty dishes, unmade beds, soiled laundry, items borrowed and not put back, long-distance charges - will put you on the DNI (do not invite) list for the future. Regardless of how you operate in your own home, when in someone else's you need to be pristine about your sleeping quarters and any other part of the home you use, especially the bathroom.

7. Cover up - You may love the feel of the crisp sheets on your naked body on a summer night but you'll have to suffer in pyjamas when you're a guest. Some people have a bit of an eww factor thinking of someone else's body parts on their clean sheets but, that aside, you need to be prepared for any eventuality - a 3 a.m. bathroom run, a fire alarm, whatever. Staying at someone's home requires you to dress appropriately at all times. They should not be treated to an early-morning vision of your bare behind as you rummage in the fridge for milk.

8. Respect the rules -Unless it's a college frat house (and even then), every home has rules. While they're not usually posted at the front door, they are there and some are more significant than others. Before you arrive, or shortly after, it's polite to ask if there are any rules of the home. These might include no smoking indoors, no television after 11 p.m., no overnight guests without permission, that certain rooms are off-limits. Whatever they are, respect them. If you don't like it, stay in a hotel.

9. Expect nothing - If, during the course of your vist, your host offers to take you to a local attraction, show or party, you are very fortunate and should thank them accordingly. Other than that, please don't expect them to drive you around town or accompany you to your list of must-see tourist traps. Chances are, they've seen them all before and would rather not spend their day off there. Do your homework ahead of time, collect information, research subway routes and be prepared to travel solo. Let them know what your plans are and invite them to come along. If they decline, don't push it.

10. Take a taxi - Remember that your hosts are under no obligation to pick you up from and drop you off at the airport. A trip to the airport involves a commitment of time, energy and exorbitant parking. If they offer to do this, thank your lucky stars (and them) but by no means, should you expect it. They're already opening their home to you.

BONUS tip - Always, always, always, send a thank-you card within one week of your stay. This is one of those situations in life when thank-you cards are non-negotiable...and I'm not talking about the e-mail kind.

How Not to Offend in 140 Characters or Less

It's about time I did a blog post on Twitter etiquette. Notice how I didn't say "twetiquette" or "twittetiquette"? I know it's not really an etiquette faux pas but as an aside, I do get annoyed by the insipid trend of just adding a 'tw' to the front of every word when it pertains to Twitter.

But back to Twitter etiquette. As an old-fashioned gal, I am sometimes prone to lamenting that social media is the stage on which whatever remains of our society's civility will go to the gallows. But then I type "Twitter etiquette" into Google and I am pleasantly surprised by the amount of entries that pop up. Obviously, many people care about this issue. So with that, I give you my top ten tips for not being a huge ingrate on Twitter. Feel free to share your own personal faux pas and pet peeves in the comments.

1. Reveal yourself - Make it easy for other tweeters to know who you are, what you look like and where you stand. Take the time to prepare a proper bio including relevant details like where you're from, what you do, your interests and, if you have a particular axe to grind, then be up front about it. I personally think it's better to include a photo of yourself and not your cat, a cartoon character or that Twitter bird thingie. As with all things social media, transparency is key.

2. Use the DM properly - The DM (direct message) function is like a Web-based version of the text message and should be reserved for one-on-one coversations, making plans with another person, in-jokes, etc. Please don't use it to create work for people (e.g. Louise, visit my website and do my quiz) and refrain from those automatic DMs that get fired off to people's e-mail inboxes after they choose to follow you. I've never come across anyone who likes those but many people continue to use them.

3. Use the RT properly - From an etiquette point of view, one of the greatest features of the Twittersphere is the desire to give credit where credit is due, hence the RT fuction. Retweeting gives you the opportunity to share something of interest that another person has tweeted. Not only does this make you look smart and connected, it exposes the other tweeter's message to a wider audience and many people assert that retweeting is what keeps Twitter going. When retweeting, use RT@personsname before repeating their message. Try not to edit or rephrase their words. If you are retweeting something that someone else has already retweeted and need to cut characters, retain the original poster.

4. Don't abandon good grammar - You are not a 13-year-old texting her best friend about Friday night, are you? Take the time to spell properly, check your grammar, doublecheck your links and avoid childish abbreviations if possible. So while it's okay to use numerals instead of spelling out numbers and the '& sign' instead of 'and', don't use text abbreviations like c u l8er!

5. Don't be lazy - If you can't say it in 140 characters, use another platform for your ramblings. I sometimes have to rework my daily etiquette tip several times to make it fit and it's good writing practice. Please don't use multiple tweets to get out one sentence, leaving us hanging in between when you run out of characters.

6. Be fair- 140 characters leaves no room for context or nuance. Online or offline, it's unfair to trash a person, place or thing without providing any kind of background or back-up. If you're referencing a blog post or news story, provide the link and encourage people to make up their own minds. Resist the urge to use Twitter as your own personal soapbox. Disclosure: I've been guilty of this at times. It's that darn instant gratification thing!

7. Remember it's public - One of the downfalls of technology and social media is that it seduces us into believing we're in our own world when in fact, we're sharing it with 6 billion others. To use an old-school metaphor, don't tweet anything you would not want to see on the front page of the daily newspaper. This is doubly important if you're tweeting on behalf of an organization or workplace, or even if you just include your workplace in your bio. Think before you tweet.

8. Spread the love - Remember how unsure you were when you first joined Twitter? There are thousands of poeple like you every day. If you see someone inadvertently commiting a Twitter etiquette faux pas, help them out. Tweet a generic message about how to RT or properly give credit. Don't mock newbies, bring them along. And if someone says they don't see the value of Twitter or of social media in general, you don't need to immediately post a "they just don't get it" rant. Let them come on board in their own time, or not.

9. Avoid profanity - Remember that rule about counting to ten before you send a nasty e-mail? Well, it's the same with Twitter. If you're emotional, walk away from the computer. Don't embarrass yourself and others with foul language and mean-spirited words. You're more creative than that right?

10. Don't fight - I wondered if it was necessary to include this and decided that it was, just in case Lindsay Lohan, Courtney Love, Kanye West or one of those other badly-behaved celebrity tweeters was reading. Your dirty laundry belongs in the hamper, not Twitter.

Making Scents of Perfume Etiquette

Today I'm going to share some tips on the etiquette of wearing perfume or cologne. The inappropriate use of scent on one's person is not just an office faux pas anymore. Some organizations have gone so far as to establish polices banning the use of endocrine disrupters and something called Fragrance Sensitivity is an issue addressed in the American Disability Act.

Before I get into the tips, I need to give you full disclosure. I love perfume and cologne, adore it, can't get enough of it. You will never, ever offend me by wearing too much of it. I love when someone walks past me on the sidewalk and leaves a little aromatic souvenir behind. I have a cupboard full of different scents and I actually spend time choosing them each morning, depending on my mood, outfit, plans, etc. Other women fetishize shoes or handbags but I'll walk right past those departments on my way to the fragrance counter. I love how particular scents can trigger memories. To this day, if I'm in close proximity of a particular French cologne, I'm transported to a six-month relationship I had almost a decade ago. And, if I get a whiff of the body lotion I was partial to while dealing with teenage tragedy, the pain of that time comes back to me. That's the power of scent.

But some people don't like scent, on themselves or on others, and there are some situations where one needs to exercise restraint in terms of the volume or type of scent chosen. Here are my tips for proper scent etiquette:

Don't overdo it - If more than one person tells you that you're wearing too much fragrance, you probably are and there are probably many more people who didn't have the courage to confront you. It's not your fault. Our ability to smell our own scents is diminished even while they might be screaming out to those around us. Start to use less and refrain from re-applying more than once a day.

Know when to wear it - Perfume should enhance, not detract from your image. Refrain from using strong scents or any perfume on days when you really need the focus to be on what you're saying (e.g. a job interview or a training session) and not on the musky odour emanating from your neck.

Don't trap people in a cloud of scent - Think twice about spritzing if you're going to be in close quarters with others (e.g. in an airplane or at the opera). Your aroma will envelope them in a smelly prison from which they can't escape.

Remember the two-foot rule - Like many of your unique attributes, your signature scent is supposed to be a special treat for those you allow to get close including your significant other, or others. Don't give it away for free to one and all. If someone says from across the room, "hey isn't that Escape?", chances are you've overdone it.

Apply in private - We are not chimpanzees. Like all aspects of human personal grooming, the application of perfume should take place in the privacy of your home or, if you must reapply, in the office washroom.

Consider the circumstances - Certain occasions in life call for discretion and modesty and should not be sullied by overbearing odours. These include funerals and hospitals.

Don't compete with other aromas - If you're attending an event where aroma is an important part of the experience (e.g. a wine tasting, or a gourmet meal), resist the urge to compete with the food. Believe me, you do not want to experience the wrath of a wine snob.

Cologne is not a deodorant - While it might have an immediate masking experience, wearing cologne or perfume in an attempt to cover up other, less desirable scents, such as body odour, cigarettes or alcohol can only result in disaster as all of the scents co-mingle to produce something mildly noxious.

Following these rules should put you in good stead with the general public or at least, ensure you won't be fired, dumped or avoided due to your smell. Unless, of course, you're hanging out with me. I love perfume!

Customer service so great it makes me want to sing

Earlier this week, I wrote about the terrible customer service I received while trying to purchase a pair of boots at Sears. Today, I'm going to share the story of the retailer who successfuly sold me a pair of boots and my, what a difference an attitude makes.

After my upsetting experience at Sears, I decided to try my luck elsewhere and ended up at the Skechers store. If you're familiar with the Toronto Eaton Centre, you'll know this is a very short walk. It was lunchtime and the store was busy but bright and airy plus there seemed to be enough salespeople for the amount of customers. The music was a little louder than I like it but then, I am over 40.

I had no sooner spotted a fabulous boot when a smiling young man materialized to ask if I'd like to try them on. I must add that, at the time, he was already balancing about four boxes of shoes but still managed to stop and help me.

I sat down on the very comfy chairs (leather I think) and before I could blink he was back (still smiling) with my boots - right colour, right size. He handed the box to me and said he would be right back, as he went off to help another customer. He was only gone a moment or two when he reappeared, apologized that I had to wait for him (I hadn't really) and asked how I liked the boots.

I liked the boots and I'm not one to dither so I told him that I'd buy them and he accompanied me to the cash register where he made friendly chitchat while completing the transaction, thanked me for coming in to Skechers, and then (I loved this), he walked out from behind the counter to hand me my bag in person. Plus, it was a large reusable bag!

The whole thing took less than 10 minutes and I walked out of there with a great pair of boots - good product, great price, fantastic service.

This is how you do it!

Customer service so bad you want to cry

For me, etiquette and customer service are entwined. The definition of etiquette - an awareness of the feelings of others and the impact of your actions upon them - applies perfectly to the concept of customer service.


If you read my blog regularly you'll know that I don't usually name names when posting about poor customer service but occasionally, I have an experience that is so bad I fee l I have to "out" the perpetrators.


Yesterday I went to the Sears store at the Toronto Eaton Centre to buy winter boots. Like many women, I start to think about my fall/winter wardrobe in late September and thought I would see what's available before all the sizes are gone. There were more than 20 customers milling around the shoe department and only two employees, a man who was run off his feet and a woman who was engaged in a lively conversation with three other women that obviously had nothing to do with shoes. To be fair, one of the three was trying on a pair of slippers but I waited for about 10 minutes while they chatted with nary a glance down towards her feet.


Finally getting the salesperson's attention, I handed her my boot of choice and she trundled to the back to find my size. She came back out a few minutes later because she had forgotten what size I said. When she came back, she had the right boot in the wrong size. When I asked if I could try it on in MY size, she rolled her eyes and brought out another pair. This time it was the right boot in the right size but the wrong colour. My patience growing thin, I asked her if she could please bring me a pair of boots in my size and colour of choice. After an exasperated sigh, she left, came back a few minutes later, threw a box on the floor and walked away. When I took off the lid, the boots inside were completely different than the sample I had shown her.


I went to find her and, suprise, found her again chatting with the three women as frustrated customers bided their time nearby. I asked her why she kept bringing me the wrong boots to try on and, sneering, she said, "I guess we just don't have what you want". Furious by now, I went to a nearby cash counter and asked to have the store manager paged. About five minutes later, he arrived. This is where it gets good. As I started to explain the situation to him, his cell phone rang and, HE ANSWERED IT! He then proceeded to have a 3-or-4 minute call while I stood there cooling my heels. When he finally got off the phone, I asked him why he took the call when he had a disgruntled customer standing in front of him. He looked at me incredulously and matter-of-factly said he couldn't NOT answer his phone. Can I take a moment here to remind everyone that the world will not end if you let a phone ring to voicemail once in a while?


While my experience in the shoe department frustrated me, I was really dismayed by the manager's actions. An organization's leaders set the tone for its approach to customer service and, by leaving me to stew while he had a conversation, it was clear that placating customers is not a priority.

Needless to say, I left and have no plans to return even though I had money to spend and found something I wanted to buy on that day at that time. I'm sharing my experience here. But, like my friend Eden Spodek says in a similar post on poor customer service , we can blog and rant online all we want. They won't have a clue and they might lose another customer or two. So what.


If customer service was a priority, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.